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spp > features > halloween > mr_wiggles
Scary Wiggler

No, Scary Wiggler was not my high school nickname. It's the Halloween edition of what we used to call a Water Wiener or a Wiggly Wiener or (more frequently) One of Those Things With the Water Inside That's Hard to Hold On To and Looks Like Some Kinda Wiener. The Scary Wiggler is the same as the others, except that it's decorated with the silhouettes of bats and dead trees, and is emblazoned with a "small parts may present a choking hazard" warning, which I can only assume refers to the hundreds of pieces of glitter inside. Like all good toys, this one "may cause staining on household fabrics," which makes me wonder just what it's filled with. I'd love to poke a hole in it to find out, but there's another warning on the package which says "Keep away from sharp objects." If I learned one thing from the movie Gremlins, it's that safety warnings are not to be disregarded. Set this thing next to a scissors, and there's no telling what kind of water-inflated condom it might turn into.

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