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spp > features > asian > godcoffee
GOD CoffeeI was a little afraid to try GOD Coffee, so I put it off for more than a month.  I finally drank it though, and I kept a short diary of its effects:

The GOD Coffee Diary
Thursday, December 6th, 2005

8:12 AM

Just arrived late to work. We had a
very heavy snowfall last night, and I gave myself an extra fifteen minutes to make my nine-mile drive to work. It didn't help -- I was wading knee-deep while I cleared off my car. Glad I didn't park further up the block, as a couple of vehicles were stuck up there when I left, their drivers clearing snow out from under their wheels. I'm tired. It's taken me about five minutes to type this. Have not tried GOD Coffee yet, but will do so soon.

8:24 AM
Just opened the can of GOD Coffee. It smells like... coffee.

8:25 AM
First sip? A little stronger than most "ready to drink" coffee beverages (Starbucks Frappuccino, Mochaccino, Chocacappamochiatio, Caffe Latte frappacrappamachonachoyokoonohohohoho, etc.). It has a weird aftertaste, probably from the can. It's cold and slightly sweet though, so it goes down easily.

8:32 AM
Really easily. Until you get to the grounds in the bottom of the can.

8:34 AM
I don't feel any different. I'm looking at the ingredients on the side of the can. God Kilimanjaro contains coffee, skim-milk powder (and yes, it's hyphenated), sugar and emulsifier, whatever that is. I'm not positive as to how much coffee one of these little cans holds, but the only measurement I could find in English says "NET WT. 17.64 OZ." Obviously that's not in fluid ounces. I can't put off work this morning, so I'm gonna do some of that.

8:43 AM
Wow, printing faxes didn't take as long as I thought. Our faxes are delivered via e-mail, and it's my job to print them out and distribute them. We had like, thirty faxes this morning. Usually thirty faxes is a 45-minute job. I rock. Oh, but anyway, there's a dry-erase board over by the printer, and I see that a lot of people are out for the day. Wimps. I made it through the snow -- didn't even think about calling in.

8:51 AM
I just got a phone call from one of our clients. I'm not supposed to get phone calls, but he was calling the phone number they had on file and looking for a Vicki. I've had this extension for two years, and have no idea how long Vicki's been gone. Anyway, it turns out he's the new guy where he works, and was updating their billing information. I gave him what help I could, but he kept asking me to repeat myself and slow down. I looked up the account. They're in Hulbert, Oklahoma. Hulbert. That sounds funny.

8:53 AM
I just got asked not to repeat "hullbert hullbert hullbert hullbert" over and over.

8:57 AM
Geez, I may have to spend most of the day looking busy. I'm just flying through my work this morning. I may offer to take something off somebody else's hands just to have something to do.

9:01 AM
I got yelled at again for repeating "hullbert hullbert hullbert hullbert" over and over. Sorry, I forgot that I said I'd stop.

9:04 AM
There's this lady in my department who's workload has been at least a week behind since Thanksgiving. I just took a big pile of stuff off her desk.

9:19 AM
Damn, I'm finished already. Guess I'll check out the news, see what news there is on the snowstorm.

9:19:02 AM
Now I got yelled at for buzzing, which I was not doing. It's just as well. I was saying "hullbert," because I'd forgotten that I promised not to.

9:19:09 AM
Okay, is it just me, or is my computer really slow? This is the new one they gave me a couple of months ago. 2.9gHz isn't the fastest processor on the market, but it's faster than the one I have at home. You'd think it would be able to keep up with my typing.

9:19:38 AM
This is ridiculous. I've only been here a little over an hour but this day is dragging. I've finished all my work, I've finished a week's worth of somebody else's work... I get antsy when I run out of work. I'm going to take an early lunchbreak.

9:32 AM
I'm at home right now. I don't usually go home on my lunch break, but I thought of a couple of things I'd like to get done here. I cannot believe how s-l-o-w-l-y some people drive on the highway.

9:33 AM
I FEEL SO ENERGETIC! I THINK THE COFFEE HAS FINALLY KICKED IN. I JUST THREW A LOAD OF CLOTHES INTO THE WASHER, AND VACUUMED MY BEDROOM. ALSO CLEANED AND ORGANIZED MY CLOSET, SHOVELED THE SIDEWALK AND CLEARED THE SNOW OFF THE ROAD. WE LIVE ON A HILL, AND IT'S FAIRLY TREACHEROUS WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN SHOVELED. I'VE SWEPT AND MOPPED THE FLOORS, GOTTEN THE STAINS OFF THE WALLS AND THE KITCHEN COUNTERTOP, CLEANED THE REFRIGERATOR AND THE BATHROOM, WASHED THE WINDOWS, POLISHED THE SILVERWARE, AND DUSTED THE CABINETS. I'VE DONE THE DISHES AND VACUUMED THE SINK. I'VE DRIED THE MAYONAISE AND PUT ALL THE COFFEE SAUCERS UNDER NATE'S PILLOW -- THAT'LL BE A NICE LITTLE SURPRISE WHEN HE GETS HOME. THE GIRLS WHO LIVE DOWNSTAIRS AREN'T HOME, BUT THEY LEFT THEIR DOOR TO THE BASEMENT UNLOCKED, SO WHEN I FINISHED TIDYING UP DOWN THERE, I ARRANGED ALL OF THEIR BELONGINGS IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER AND LINED THEM UP, END TO END, IN A SNAKING CHAIN THAT LEADS FROM THE FRONT DOOR TO THE BATHROOM SINK. THEY HAVE A LOT OF STUFF, SO I HAD TO MAKE THE LINE CROSS ITSELF A FEW TIMES. I THINK THEY'LL BE PLEASED, THOUGH. I ALSO INSTALLED CHANDELIERS IN ALL OF THE CLOSETS (BOTH UPSTAIRS AND DOWN) AND STACKED ALL OF OUR BLUE OBJECTS ON TOP OF THE COFFEE TABLE. SPEAKING OF WHICH, DID I TELL YOU ABOUT GOD COFFEE? MAN, IS THAT GOOD STUFF. GOES DOWN NICE AND SMOOTH. WHERE WAS I? OH YES, I REWROTE THE ENDING OF WUTHERING HEIGHTS, BUT I'LL HAVE TO PARE IT DOWN A LITTLE, SINCE IT'S ABOUT SEVEN HUNDRED PAGES. I OPENED A CAN OF BLACK OLIVES AND NAMED THEM ALL. I ALSO TRIED TO MAKE A FEW HARRASSING PHONE CALLS, BUT THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY CELL PHONE BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS A FAX MACHINE. ALL OF THIS WORK IS MAKING ME HUNGRY, AND IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I HAVEN'T REALLY EATEN ANYTHING TODAY. I THINK I'LL MAKE A SANDWICH.

9:33:0002 AM
WE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH IN THE WAY OF SANDWICH FIXINS SO I'M MAKING EGG SALAD. THE EGGS AREN'T COOKED THOUGH, SO I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEM TO HARD BOIL.

9:36 AM
HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT.

9:41 AM
WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG FOR HARD BOILED EGGS TO GET DONE? HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT HULLBERT.

9:49 AM
EGGS ARE DONE. SALAD IS MADE. IT'S A LITTLE WARM.

9:53 AM
WOW. YOU KNOW HOW YOU KIND OF START TO GET SLEEpy after you eat? I'm feelg rnxc,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

10:42 AM
I fell asleep! Sorry I didn't update right away, but I woke up at 10:14 and I didn't want to be late in getting back to work! I drove back as fast as I could (keeping the road conditions in mind, of course), but I ended up late anyway. I got lucky though -- my boss didn't come in today, and I don't think anybody has noticed. I have to stop logging my day now because a whole bunch of faxes came in while I was gone. I have a lot of work to do. Anyway um, you can forget about the GOD Coffee. It tasted okay, but it's not even 11:00 yet and I'm beat.
Final verdict: Hullbert hullbert hullbert hullbert hullbert.



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